


Asexuals get a Sugar rush

by virtuousvirgo



Category: Death Note (Anime & Manga), 斉木楠雄のΨ難 | Saiki Kusuo no Sai-nan | The Disastrous Life of Saiki K.
Genre: (that was half a joke), Asexual Saiki, Death Note - Freeform, We have two lords and saviors, their names are Light Yagami and Coffee Jelly
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2021-02-07
Updated: 2021-02-09
Packaged: 2021-03-13 11:08:50
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 2
Words: 1,700
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29152542
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/virtuousvirgo/pseuds/virtuousvirgo
Summary: L knows that Light Yagami is Kira. He is 99.97% sure of it. Though, he can't prove it just yet. So he decides to message a potential successor.
Comments: 22
Kudos: 89





	1. Ryuzaki is not a pervert

_Six twelve-ounce jars for $10.00...._

Saiki held up the package of tightly-sealed coffee jellies.

_Or Six individual cups for $1.69 each...._

His typically-impassive eyes squinted, just a bit, in concentration. He could see that the individual cups were filled up slightly more than the jars...then again, the jars apparently contained higher-quality coffee....Math was no use in this situation, it all came down to quantity versus quality....

"Er, excuse me...." A man with odd posture attempted to grab a coffee jelly off of the shelf, but slowly retreated his hand at the flaming look in Saiki's eyes. "Good grief, kids these days...." He muttered.

_That's my line. And I'm not a good representation of my generation. Now move, I'm still deciding._ Saiki threw another quick withering glare at the man, who was still standing in the aisle (almost hunched over), but it wasn't any use, because of course, the man couldn't hear his internal thoughts. Though he still had a bizarre feeling, like despite not knowing his exact thoughts, the man was analyzing his every move.

It wasn't like he could check, of course. He had slipped the dull germanium ring onto the middle finger of his left hand that morning. Nothing was more dreadful than having to listen to a dozen mothers trying to recall their entire grocery list from memory, not to mention the children begging for snacks with their entire being.

He still felt eyes boring through his back, so he quickly glanced to check if anyone was walking his way, and used clairvoyance to quickly check what the slouching man was up to. The man blinked, almost as if he knew Saiki was looking at him, and suddenly disappeared out of his range of vision.

_Huh? Where the hell did he go?_

He squeezed his eyes shut to revert them to normal, and when they opened, he saw the entire shelf of coffee jelly gone.

_What?_

His eyes quickly roved over the entire aisle. He immediately found the coffee jelly, all of it...in the mysterious man's basket

_Damn you._

The man innocently looked off to the side at nothing in particular, whistled nonchalantly, and slowly slid his was out of the aisle.

Once he was all alone again, Saiki sighed. He had been hoping to escape the wrath of his "friends" and relax with the possibly the only thing worth living for (coffee jelly), but instead met someone else who took a chunk off of his lifespan. 

_Good Grief. Well, the next best thing to do would be to just make it myself...._

Saiki averted his eyes from the painful sight of the empty shelf, and made his way towards the drinks aisle. He pondered between two brands for a solid minute, then noticed a bright piece of paper laying on one of the cans.

_What's this? A sale?_

He picked up the corner of the paper with his thumb and forefinger.

**Come to the French Café that just opened up**.

_What the hell?? Was this left by the weird man? Was he some sort of pervert? Disgusting._

He probably didn't even leave this for me. But a small voice nagged at the back of Saiki's mind: _He took all of the coffee jelly and predicted that I'd come to this aisle. I have to say, my curiosity is peaked-_

_Shut up._

He massaged his temples, starting to get irritated at his own thoughts. It was tiring debating yourself, especially if you happened to have an intelligence quotient of 218.

Still, the thought of freshly brûléed coffee crème brûlée....Perhaps it wouldn't hurt, just to check the place out.

Saiki stood in front of the prestigious-looking French café. 

_Well, it's never too late to just go home-_

He glanced through the glass window, and to his horror, caught the (relatively sleep-deprived looking) eye of the man who stole all of the coffee jelly, digging into the jelly he had taken. The man's pale lips upturned into a slight smirk, and he dug a small spoon into the mountain of cream that rested atop his coffee jelly. Saiki shuddered. _Sacrilegious_.

From inside the café, the man beckoned for Saiki to join him at his booth.

_This'd better be worth my time._ Saiki pushed open the door, and made his way over to the booth where the man sat alone, surrounded by coffee jelly.

"Hello," The man said, still slouched over. He licked a bit of whipped cream off of his spoon. "I'd like to apologize for taking all of the coffee jelly. You see, I have a massive sweet tooth, and....Well, let's just say I can't function without my daily dose of caffeine and sugar."

_Is this what they call verbatim?_

"Rue Ryuzaki. Pleasure to meet you." _Is this man seriously a pervert?_

The suspicion must've somehow shown in Saiki's eyes, because Ryuzaki added, "Hopefully you don't think I'm a pervert. It seems to be a common misconception...although I assure you I have no such interest in women, men, or anyone for that matter."

_Seriously, who does this guy think he is?_ Saiki stared unblinkingly at Ryuzaki for a moment, before putting on his "I don't give a damn" face.

If Ryuzaki noticed, (which Saiki was almost positive he did) he didn't say anything, returning to his jelly instead. "Anyways, feel free to order anything you'd like." He looked up from his dessert, and slid a laminated menu across the table with his forefinger.

Saiki didn't like the way Ryuzaki glanced up at him every few seconds, but he pretended not to notice Ryuzaki's observant tendencies, if it meant free dessert. _I'll go along with it, for the sake of a fruit parfait._

* * *

"I'll have a fruit parfait. Extra whipped cream, extra fudge sauce." He told the waitress, who only looked too enthusiastic to retrieve one from the kitchen. Saiki almost smiled (almost, it was important for him to keep his poker face) at the antics, he was strongly reminded of Chisato Mera, from his class.

"Here you go, sir-!" The waitress beamed and set the parfait down on the table.

_Great._ Now to figure out what this "Ryuzaki" wants. Saiki was about to ask the man, when he stopped mid-thought. Of course- It was so simple- _Why am I such an imbecile?_

Saiki inconspicuously stuck his left hand into his pocket and, using his middle finger, slid the germanium ring off of his forefinger. 

His eyes itched to widen in surprise. _What the hell-? This man thought at a thousand words a minute.! Who was this man..._ One thing was for sure, this wasn't some brainless-Nendou that he was dealing with.

_**I wonder what his opinion on the Kira case is, I wonder if I should disclose private information and see if he comes up with a hypothesis, I've investigated this Kusuo Saiki thoroughly enough, I've come to the conclusion that he's much more capable than the average marks he gets on exams, he seems to be relatively intuitive, I can see he's noticed that I'm watching what he does, Oh well, that's not a problem that need's much attending, I wonder if he's too cold to be swayed by the dessert, hopefully I'll be able to successfully recruit him today, he seems to be a better count of an heir than Mello, Near, or almost even Light....There's something he's hiding, though, I'm sure....**_ The partially-unwanted thoughts stampeded into Saiki's brain.

_Kira case? Mello? Light? Not to mention the bribing with dessert....This man is a pedophile for sure._

"Are you okay?" Ryuzaki asked, about to inhale another spoonful of coffee jelly. Saiki didn't even realized he had been clutching his head.

Is he even human? Not even Akechi thinks that fast....

L cocked his head and did an odd thing where he put his thumb on his lip and stared at Saiki as if he were a fish in an aquarium tank.

"Mr. Saiki, I'd like to hire you."

Well, that was quick.

Saiki did his best to put on a "What?" face.

"You see, Mr. Saiki," Ryuzaki leaned closer, his eyes (which already looked unsettlingly large due to his panda-like eye bags) widening slightly.

"I am L,"


	2. What do you think of that, Elle?

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> All Saiki wanted was to indulge in the dessert that had to have been sent from the heavens, coffee jelly. Curse his curiosity, because somehow he ends up roped into a confidential murder investigation....The detective who dragged him along seems pretty cool, though.

_Play dumb._

Saiki pinched his eyebrows together and let his mouth go slightly slack, revealing the top row of his teeth.

"Elle? As in, the western, generally female name?" 

Ryuzaki's lips quirked (threatening to either frown or smirk, Saiki surprisingly couldn't tell), and he leaned back again. 

_Good. I was getting a bit sick of having my personal space invaded._

Ryuzaki discreetly glanced around, presumably checking for eavesdroppers.

"The world's greatest detective." He whispered, eyes bugging out slightly. 

Saiki massaged his temples again. 

"Oh my, I was unaware of the surge in my ego. Perhaps I should go out more often." Ryuzaki went back to his mountain of jelly, looking slightly solemn. 

" _And how do I know you're not lying? Lying is a human capability, with practice it can come naturally to anyone._ " Saiki hardened his voice just the right amount to encourage Ryuzaki (who he didn't trust enough to reveal himself to) to spill the truth.

"I've been observing you." 

_That's just another way of admitting that you were stalking me._

"One day, I heard of intriguing, paranormal-like reports. I was quite bored, and I will admit, I was feeling like procrastinating, so I decided to investigate further. A sumo wrestler appearing out of nowhere, only to not remember how he got there? An abandoned, unusually bent spoon showing up on the sidewalk? It was relatively easy to track it to you, Mr. Saiki." Ryuzaki's large dark eyes blinked, in a futile attempt to look innocent. 

_Put off the act. You're just making yourself look worse._

" _So you stalked me and now you're trying to convince me that you're a trustworthy detective?_ " 

"You make me sound like a pervert."

" _You are a pervert._" 

"And you are an extremely cruel child."

" _I'm not a child, I'm seventeen_." 

"Still technically a child." Ryuzaki rested the thumb of his right hand on his lower lip. 

_You say that while sticking your thumb in your mouth like a baby._

"Let's be straightforward," Ryuzaki

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I HAVE WRITER'S BLOCK BECAUSE I NEED TO REWATCH DEATH NOTE UNLESS IT'S OKAY FOR ME TO STRAY FROM THE GENERAL PLOT 😩


End file.
